Tuesday, October 31, 2017

A Phone Call with GWAR


Happy Halloween!

To mark this momentous occasion, I saved up the money I gathered through recently selling tainted Girl Scout cookies outside of my neighborhood Shaw’s to buy an intergalactic phone card from my meth dealer to make a call to the distant planet of Scumdogia, where the current members of the savage collective known as GWAR recorded their latest sonic explosion, The Blood Of Gods. Released on Earth on October 20, The Blood Of Gods is the first GWAR album not to feature the great Oderus Urungus, who mysteriously perished in 2014 amidst a mushroom cloud of crack smoke, dead teen prostitutes and Jim Nabors CDs. While the loss of such an inspiring force would have destroyed most human bands, The Blood Of Gods proves that Scumdogian blood (which, based on a review from a female acquaintance of mine who encountered it through undisclosed methods, apparently tastes like a mixture of urine, semen and Crystal Light) fuels the GWAR machine with unwavering resilience. Currently, the band is touring our planet with Misfits guitarist (and famously chatty fellow) Doyle Wolfgang von Frankenstein as one of the opening acts.

These days, Oderus’ formidable, guts-covered shoes are filled by The Berserker Blothar, who agreed to speak with me under the condition that I conducted the interview in the nude. (1. Blothar can apparently see through phone lines. 2. They like ’em big and round in Scumdogia.)

Gathering up my courage (and staring at the Journalism degree on my wall with prideful tears in my eyes), I called Scumdogia (a 200-digit number, by the way), the phone rang, and then…


Hello, is this Blothar?

This is Blothar!

Hi, this is Joel, your human inquisitor for the next few minutes.

All right! How are you, Jooooel!

I’m well. How are you?

I’m fine.

Wonderful. First of all, congratulation on your latest creation, The Blood Of Gods. What can those pitiful humans who have yet to experience your new album expect from this latest masterpiece?

It is, as you say, a masterpiece. It has everything on it that you would expect from a GWAR album, providing you don’t expect Oderus Urungus to be on that GWAR album. It’s the first record without Oderus; that’s the big news. It’s a different kind of record than the band has been putting out. Without Oderus there, we needed to do different things better, and that’s what we did. It still sounds like a GWAR album, and I think that’s the part that we’re all the most proud of. It still sounds like GWAR. It has a narrative; that narrative is essentially the story of humans uprising against GWAR and GWAR struggling to basically keep up with humanity. It’s like we created an invention that was too perfect and did its job too well, and humanity has become difficult for us to keep up with – the darkness that pervades the human experience, the human culture and the human mind. But we try, and this album relates GWAR’s struggle with humanity, losing the battle against humanity and GWAR coming back and facing the questions about whether or not we would sell out. If there was one central question on this whole album, it’s how can GWAR go forward and keep going? All of the songs really build on that and work towards answers for that question.

What can deaf people in particular expect to hear on the new album?

(Laughs) Deaf people can expect to hear pretty much nothing unless they turn it up really loud and listen through a special system that some deaf people and college facilities have. They do have things that can amplify music, since music is only vibration. People respond well to this; I’ve seen it many times, actually - weirdly enough that you would ask me that. I do have some experience with some of the systems that they use at Gallaudet University and other places. But yeah, deaf people love GWAR; they’re probably the biggest fans of GWAR’s music that there is. 

Ever since I heard the new GWAR album, my penis has burned whenever I urinate. Why is that?

Well, I think you’ve caught a little bit of the 24-hour HIV. It’s free with every record; it just comes as part of the purchase. We’ve managed to find a way to actually transmit sexually transmitted disease through just listening. Now, it's a listening-transmitted disease. It kind of takes the fun out of it; it’s a disease, but you don’t get to have sex. You just get to listen, which kind of sucks.

As you mentioned, this is your first album without your great leader, Oderus. Tell me, as you look back at his grand legacy, what is the greatest thing his cock ever did for the universe?

The greatest thing that Oderus ever did for the universe, or his cock in particular?

His cock in particular, yes.

Well, the Cuttlefish of Cthulhu struck out of its own for a little while. The Cuttlefish is actually still around; that’s a little-known fact of GWAR lore. While Oderus perished, the Cuttlefish did not. It managed to escape and scuttle off. On the first tour that we did without Oderus, the Cuttlefish showed up; it came through an inter-dimensional gloryhole. It poked its way in, and then it just escaped. It just ran offstage, so nobody knows where it is. The Cuttlefish will probably be making an appearance; he’s still influencing the world out there, so you can look for more from the Cuttlefish of Cthulhu in the future.

Oh, that’s very good to hear! Considering all of GWAR’s otherworldly powers, why have we yet to see an Oderus hologram on stage with you?

Well, we did have a projection of Oderus that was like a hologram. When you line up the money for the bat-shaped helicopter and the non-stop procession of cocaine and hookers that are necessary to keep GWAR on the road, there’s just not a lot of money left over for production. We try not to put much money into the shows, if you know what I mean. We try to keep it for ourselves. Seriously, we can’t afford a hologram. Who can afford a hologram? And what good would it do anyway? Didn’t Nat King Cole’s daughter do that or something before she died? It was just creepy; nobody wants to see that!

You’re touring with that weakling Doyle, whose physique is clearly pathetic compared to yours. What diet and exercise routine would you recommend to him so he can one day actually look like a real man?

I don’t know; it’s gonna be hard for that guy. He’s really pretty far gone. He’s gonna have to have some intravenous chocolate milk; that’s the first step. I think maybe if you break both of his legs so he can’t walk, sit him in front of daytime television with an IV of chocolate milk and maybe turn on a PlayStation 4 and just start delivering pizzas to his house, then maybe he’ll be in shape after about… I don’t know; it looks to me like it would take a long time for that guy to go to pot, so maybe two years? Two years of no exercise and a diet heavy in saturated fat!

Fantastic! I hope he takes your advice. I want to discuss something from before the time you joined GWAR, so hopefully [bassist] Beefcake [the Mighty] filled you in on these details. When GWAR first began touring Earth, they were known to play in a wretched toxic waste dump called New Jersey. Within that horrid pile of crap was an even worse place called Shitty Gardens – sorry, I mean City Gardens.

That’s right!

What are some legends that have been passed down to you about GWAR’s time at this horrible hellhole?

I was there at City Gardens when GWAR played – and I’m pretty sure every show GWAR ever played – in my other corporeal form. Somehow, miraculously, the spirit of Blothar at one time inhabited the spirit of Beefcake. Oderus’ slave, Dave Brockie, already related a story of what was probably the weirdest City Gardens show that we ever did. The stage was stormed by skinheads; we played there with Murphy’s Law. There was a strong skinhead contingent in the audience. As we started playing, the skinheads became angry because we sprayed their bomber jackets with fake blood, and they decided that they were going to beat the shit out of us. They did this thing called ‘the Wall of Death.’ It was weird. I’m not going to say it was impressive; it was confusing, really. We’re looking out at the audience, and all of a sudden, we see everybody being pushed into this kind of alleyway; they formed an alleyway in the middle just by shoving everybody. It was an organized effort; it was pretty amazing that they could do that – just push everybody to the side and then create this alleyway so they can attempt to run as fast as they could, jump over the barrier, get on stage and fight GWAR. 

In a moment of complete and absolute genius…We used to have this device called the Spew Chandelier – a terrible invention. By nature, a chandelier just sprays shit – it’s facing a bunch of different directions, right? We had a bunch of heads and severed penises and things like that on this chandelier, and there’s hoses going to it and spray comes out in all directions. We hated it as musicians in the band because it would always immediately soak everything on stage and make it hard to play, ruin our equipment and shit like that. It was a very short-lived prop; it may have been its only tour, as a matter of fact. Anyway, [then-GWAR member] The Sexecutioner grabbed the Spew Chandelier, and [our slaves] had the forethought to turn it on and start pumping this fluid all over the floor of City Gardens. When the skinheads hit this liquid – they were running straight for us – it immediately started looking like The Keystone Kops. It was side-splitting hilarity. We had the leave the stage because we couldn’t play anymore. It was just too funny; they just started slipping and sliding on this liquid and falling – and they couldn’t get up. They were grabbing onto each other; none of them managed to make it over the wall. And of course, their bombers got more and more dirty as they struggled around flipping on the floor. Normally, floors like that will get slippery at a GWAR show, but there will be bodies over top of the space to absorb that liquid. In this case, they had cleared out an alley, so it was nothing but a big Slip ’N Slide between them and the stage. It was pretty funny!

On a very serious note: When a fat chick gives you a blowjob, what kind of food do you think your cock reminds her of?

I’d like to think that she’s thinking of something like a big, fat kielbasa, but she’s probably thinking more of like a squat, little chocolate Hostess Ding Dong. 

Clearly, GWAR fully supports death and destruction. Although Donald Trump has already done a good job of promoting these values, there is clearly a lot of work left to do. If Trump ultimately fails in this mission, who would GWAR like to see become president of the United States in order to fully guarantee the end of Earth?

Well, GWAR’s pretty happy with Trump’s absurdity – to be honest with you, he’s hilarious! But if we had to pick a successor… I don’t know; we thought about the job, but who wants to be sitting around worried about passing a healthcare bill when you can be just snorting cocaine off of a pair of tits? It’s not for us. In the future, of course we would like for animals to take leadership positions in American culture. I’m from the Cow Party, man; I want the cows in charge. I think it’s time; it’s their era – the time of the cow!

I could not agree more. Lastly, how will GWAR celebrate Halloween this year?

We always try to put on costumes, and no one ever pays any attention to the costumes we put on. I put a lot of work into it, but nobody seems to notice. Last year, I was a fairy princess. I had to put a coat on because it was cold outside. I just looked like a big monster dressed like a Viking with a fairy princess outfit on top of that monster Viking outfit with a coat on top of that. Nobody knew what the hell I was. It’s depressing.

*Portions of the above interview were edited for clarity and at least a modicum of sanity. 

Note: GWAR guitarist BälSäc The Jaws ‘O Death (Human Slave: Michael Derks) is facing seriously health issues and needs our help. Please go HERE for more information. 

Photo courtesy of Freeman Promotions

EMAIL JOEL at gaustenbooks@gmail.com

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